yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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