I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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