You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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