How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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