She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
false alarm. still invincible.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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