i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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