somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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