I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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