I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
