I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
