If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize