I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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