The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize