she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
