I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
