I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
