everyone is single if you try hard enough
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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