I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
