Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
