You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
