Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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