anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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