Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
