seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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