I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
