I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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