it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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