i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
