Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
