i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
