Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So vagazzling was a success
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
