I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
