i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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