I got chris browned last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
