im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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