We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize