This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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