Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
