I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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