You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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