My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
