I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize