just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
