Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
