I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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