you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
