thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
