It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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