I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
