All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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