I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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