Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love you. Go after that dick
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
