Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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