I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
