My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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