Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
